Updated: Oct 29, 2019
Thought is a battle, every breath is a war, and you are a warrior who can win, taking ahead in my purpose, human spirit can never die and so is the courage to keep walking, the thoughts shared below are from one of the beautiful soul Robin Rozalia Cristina , she has proved with her strong will and time again, that if we think from within we can come out of any crisis be it health or circumstantial,
She has been actively promoting awareness on Fibromyalgia around globe, if someone out there is suffering from Fibromyalgia , can always reach and take guidance from Cristina,
"Hello my dearest friend Veda,
Oh, i was so worried about you. I really hope you are ok. I wrote to you on watsapp a few times but no answer. I saw your Facebook posts and that brought me to smile, knowing that maybe you traveled...or were busy. Are you ok?
I am ok, just weak those days and since "the new year" i feel very disconnected from my soul...even in "judgment day" i felt really disconnected...it's very weird, as if my feelings are suppressed...usually i feel my huge love for everything and everyone inside...now i feel disconnected....it saddens me...i don't know what i did wrong.
I am not looking for a specific day to receive letters from you...i love you so much, and whenever you are writing it brings me happiness.
Well, my dear friend, i don't think i can say which event was harder/sader in my life...which one made me depressed. You see...i've been trough so much in my life and all those events caught me in different points on my journey:
1 - At times as a very strong person which just stopped right there looked at the situation, analyzing it, maybe cry for a day or two...or maybe not, take the decision to learn from it and move on (i've had an amazing ability of self control...i could control my feelings entirely and i could always see the small light in that dark event and hang on it so i won't remain in the dark)...those events from my experience returned after years (after i've got really sick) as trauma/as something i need to deal with and heal so i did. Looking back now, some of those events i see as very traumatic, others as a foolish because we can easily overreact when sad/depressed and many as lessons for life.
2 - Other times i would just brake into pieces, cry for a few days and then tell myself " Just get up, stop crying, it will bring nothing good, get over it...you are stronger than that".
3 - There were times in which i couldn't handle nothing. My soul was too overwhelmed, so either i would put it aside for a few days to gather strength to deal with it, or i would part the problem in small pieces and take one by one a deal with them...smaller things can be dealt easier...you feel less pressured...
There are many ways to deal with things....
Those events changed me allot:
- In a good way - because i learned so much and evolved as human being.
- In a bad way - because i've got weaker and weaker in time.
You know how people are saying "What doesn't kill you only makes you strong"? Well, that's not true...
It can make you strong minded, but your body is exhausted of so much trauma, and even if your soul is always happy there are points in which you feel that your soul is crying and that's the most awful feeling in the world, when your soul is so overwhelmed that you cannot control your body anymore and at times your thoughts too.
The hardest event i think, was 6 years ago. Now i see it as an amazing thing and i see it this way almost from it's start but it doesn't get easier. This event make me realise how much i love life every day (which i never felt before), it make me understand that i didn't take care of myself at all; i only took care of others and i deserve no less. It make me take the right decisions for myself and get rid of the people who were negative/toxic in my life and finally get some peace of mind, that i'm important too, that i can also be a priority just like anyone else, that i should place strong borders (just like i did when i was a kid) and not let people use me, hurt me. It make me understand that i can be the same good person while taking care of myself (not of my Ego if course). It make me understand that i can keep helping people in other ways, no money needed just my good heart.
Clinical Depression came 6 years ago together with a Major Depressive Attack, Fibromyalgia and CFS. All manifested in the same day. From a very active person with a phenomenal brain i became a vegetable. From a person which "everything i would touch would became gold" i couldn't even brush my hair...standing on my own was only a dream to achieve. From someone that playing and writing music or poetry, drawing and painting i became a person that wasn't able to control her fingers, nor hear sounds because i became sensitive to sound, light, cold, warmth, movement would make me dizzy even when in bed and fall down, my head was spinning, my memory betrayed me in every way possible (i couldn't remember what i've been told a few seconds ago), i couldn't analyze things, i couldn't read...well, i could but don't understand a word...and i've had a photographic memory before, my work memory was barely working and i could do 6-7 complicated things at once before...my body and especially my brain just gave up on me...i couldn't stand nor walk, what i could do? I could cry all day long and fill all my muscles/fascia/joints in excruciating pain because depression affects fibromyalgia...it was devastating but i took the right decisions...i decided that it's my turn now...now i should work on my healing. If all my life i gave it all with huge sacrifices to just about everyone and especially to my job for everyone to be happy, now i should work no less harder to get my health back. I understood quickly what's wrong and got help very fast, and even though my doctor is a genius and i know he'll do anything to see me well i understood that it is my fight and we should both fight for my health. As harder as he worked for me i worked even harder. I've got help from every field i needed, i did intensive sports alone, i was seeing a psychologist, i was rollerblading to get my concentration back, i was reading with a liner, i would solve logical problems and train my brain and memory, i worked on my biomechanics, on my fine motor movement, i would do hours of OT every day. I learned to walk again even though i fell so many times...i was training my walk by crossing the street so i won't be able to hold on nothing to help myself walking and if i'll fall i would be obliged to raise up fast because otherwise cars could kill me and i loved life. My "HUGE" goal was to be able to cross the street, to get to the bus station in front of me to be able to go alone to my doctors. I did acheave it but then another goal came...walking 10m isn't enough to get to my doctors so i would get out hours before so i could stop walking and rest just to continue walking (my knees were broken for 2 years because i was falling again and again). I would sit down in the weirdest places and people would look at me strangely, others would say "Oh, you look so tired" so i would say i "am not tired...i am sick"...i knew that working hard will be worth it and will get me well and i know now it will.
I was never hiding my illnesses nor my depression even though some mit think that if you have that you are crazy, and others thought that by telling me "just snap out of it" will really make it happen...the lack of knowledge and the stigma makes many people not share what they are going trough or even not going to be treated. To me none of those are important, my health is and i know that everything will be over one day, i won't accept it otherwise and i know that as long as i know what to do i will fight. Once i've been asked by my doctor relating my depression "what will you do when you'll have no more cards to play"? My answer to him was : "Then be there for me because i'll never stop fighting, giving up is not an option". I evolved so much since i've crushed (my crush was due to working to hard for to long in maximal pressure, huge overload and the last stroke was my boss's reaction when i asked to leave my job and his bothering letters he wrote to me because he feared i will accuse him) and i still do and it's only matter of time until i'll be well again...and i know i will. I have amazing friends and family which i wouldn't trade for nothing in this world, i've been so blessed to have all of them in my life and i love life more than ever.
Shore dear Veda, you can post it if you wish and think someone can use to help themselves.
God bless you always 🙏🙏
With love Cristina "